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I've been trying to write, but the words don't seem to be hitting the page right. But maybe that's part of the problem. I care more about how the words sound — how they fit together — than what they're actually saying. I've always been more concerned with form and flourish over content, and I'm starting to see the downsides of that when it comes to my work. No matter how eloquently or beautifully I write a research paper, if the actual data and results aren't meaningful, the paper can't be accepted. There's no real getting around that.

So I have to ask myself, do I want to change my focus and my skillset so that I can better fit writing for research? Or should I change my objective so that I'm writing for something that values the way the words sound on the page? (And what would that even be, poetry? Prose fiction?)

All this to say, I've been struggling with a sense of self lately, in terms of what I'm doing, whether I'm capable enough of doing it, and where I want to be in the future. It feels like I'm pulling teeth trying to write anything (even this) these days.

That's kind of why I'm writing this particular post. Because I want to try to force myself to just get the words on the page. It's always hardest to start, and sometimes I just need to start writing to get the momentum going. Even if right now, I feel the sense that this writing is god-awful, it's still helpful in the sense that maybe it paves the way for better writing down the line. And not like anyone reads these posts, anyways.